haha!!

"I never think of the future - it comes soon enough."
Albert Einstein

" behind every successful man is a surprised mother-in-law"
anon

"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on."
Dean Martin

"If you love your job, you haven't worked a day in your life."
Tommy Lasorda

"Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back."
Anonymous

"I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house."
Zsa Zsa Gabor

"Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand."
Unknown.

"Ninety percent of the game is half mental."
Jim Wohford

"Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself." - after being told he looked cool.
Yogi Berra

"I'm in no condition to drive...wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk!" -Yogi Berra

"What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic."

"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice."
Bill Cosby

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.
E. e. cummings

"I remmember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof."
Rodney Dangerfield

"Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much. Oscar Wilde.

"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
Albert Einstein

"My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday."